Summer Journal - part two

Tuesday, the 28th

Kind of a shitty day yesterday. It started out alright, the morning was warm and pleasant, the ride to Imatra went rather quickly, I cleaned up the car and it even passed the MOT test. Yay for that. I made a short stop at the store and then headed back home to wash some clothes and towards my date with the internet and the forums, which I had missed already. It became a long date, a very very long date. Click click click. It was past two when I finally put the computer away. Probably ten hours, me, some ice-cream and a few pieces of rye bread. It was nice to notice that I had been missed, but still at two I was feeling rather crappy. What does that click-click-clicking give me? I enjoy the conversations most, but how many people are there who actually enjoy talking with me about the things, which I find interesting. Two, three, four? More? Less? Hearts on the wall are indeed extremely nice, but in the end they are rather superficial. Bugger it, I'm just jealous of people who are good at socializing. It's possible that one can get better at it though. I did write to couple of people yesterday to whom I've never written spontaneously before. Steps in the right direction.

Another important step however is the vow to never ever spend ten hours at the internet anymore. It is an addiction and it does make me feel like crap. Real life - gardening, reading, writing, all of that - is so much better. And yet, as soon as I got there, near the net, I forgot all those - I didn't manage to write the blog entry, I nearly missed the documentary that I wanted to see, I forgot to eat properly, I sat on the couch instead of sitting on the garden or heading to the summer cabin. All good intentions gone in a second. That made me afraid of the fall, the return to Helsinki. Blood vessels crisscrossing my eyeballs already after one badly slept night, the town and the net depressing me even though the yard was just outside the front door, even though it is still vacation. Reading a few of the blog entries from 2005 depressed me as well. That me sounded more in touch with life. On the other hand it was the fall when I had just returned to the University so I was pretty excited about everything. I was feeling stress free. There have been good times and in order to remember those - and the not so good times - it is important to keep writing this blog. I don't want to forget the years.

And now I'm going to go pick up M and M.

...I'm tired. It's been a busy day. Children are so full of energy that it's both tiring and a pleasure to watch them. Or him in this case. Such a well-mannered little boy he is. Actually I'm probably tired because I slept so horribly badly last night. Yaaaaaaawwwwwwwwnnn.

Wednesday, the 29th

Today we have picked blueberries. Well, M and I have. Mikael ate them, built huts and played the role of a slave driver promising to whip us if we were being lazy. We were out there for more than two hours, weren't lazy at all and Mikael was happy playing by himself pretty much all the time. He's such a big boy for a five-year-old. Nearly five-year-old. Never cried when he hurt himself, picked me up flowers when they arrived yesterday. Says thank you and sorry and comes to give you a hug for good night. If only all children were like that. Yeah, Operation Baby is definitely a go. Being a mother was my dream job when I was a child. It was my dream job when I was quite a bit older too. I hope I have still time for two. And the money. Sorry, my dear children, but you are going to be poor. Perhaps that's a good thing too. I don't want you to grow up to be materialistic assholes. *knock, knock* Must not tempt Fate.

Saturday, the 1st of August

It's Saturday already, and August. Time flies. I drove M & M to Kouvola on Thursday morning. They hopped on a train towards Mikkeli and I headed to Hennes & Mauritz to buy myself a new pair of sun glasses to replace the pair that broke. After a couple of stops at other stores I made it back to the cabin where Ä and S were sunbathing at the new pier and Maija the Dog was just generally running around. Sunbathing looked nice so I took out the book M & M had brought me - Maeve Binchy - and a bottle of cider and settled down to read. It was rather Victoria Holt -type of literature, but once in a while one can hang the brains on the coat track and read about girls who wish to find mr charming.

That took care of Thursday. And most of Friday. Ä had left the cabin already on Thursday to go keep company to the other S and the cat at the house. We stayed at the cabin and S went to pick up her friend R from the train station on Friday. She's taking her back now. Just a short one night stay - sauna, swimming, lot's of food, drink, pancakes, a game of skip-bo. I finished Binchy yesterday and switched to Stieg Larsson's Män som hatar kvinnor. It's a bit windy outside and not as warm as the past two days, but I'm just heading back to it now. Everyone's all bonkers about those books, but so far the guy has spent 90 pages on introducing the people. I hope he gets down to the action soon enough.

Other than that I've spent the morning thinking about hierarchies. About who gets to approach whom. Everyone has their own private sphere and just like with cats and babies you can't "jump at them" unexpectedly, you can't talk to people unless they first indicate that it is okay. But in order for that to work someone always has to be the first to indicate that it is okay to approach and to draw the lines of what it is okay to talk about. The question is how does one know which one is the one who has the duty and/or right to make the first move. Or is it always contextual and changes from situation to situation? I'll never learn to figure out the rules of socializing.

....

It's dark outside already. I've now read nearly 390 pages of Larsson and things are slowly starting to happen. I've also been invited to a birthday party. In fact two birthday parties and a wedding in this merry month of August. Not too bad. The question is should I have a birthday party for myself too. 35 years. Huh, I'm going to be old. Where did the last fifteen years disappear to?

Monday, the 3rd of August

I'm back home again. For a day or two. Yesterday was mostly rainy - we even got a thunderstorm during the evening. I read Larsson. Finished part one and almost part two as well. The second book is much better than the first one. Yep yep, I can most definitely see the attraction now. Lisbeth could be my new hero.

Today we cleaned up at the cabin and drove home. You can guess what I've done since then.