On Friday evening divine intervention hit again. I can’t get access to the internet at home, which has resulted in a bit of a rise in anxiety levels. However I’ve also been able to get some things done, which otherwise would still be undone. Including writing this blog entry. It seems that writing the blog actually fills in me the need to talk – whenever I can get to the forums that need seems to be (almost) as easily filled there. Or rather the need to write than talk of course. You see, I did the Meyers-Briggs test again and got classifies as an INFP. Apparently INFPs as a rule dislike talking – or at least prefer writing. ”They may be awkward and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they’re feeling on paper”. That’s what it said and I did recognise myself completely both in that and many other points. That wonderful bit sounds a bit arrogant, but to me it actually is a wonderful ability. On paper and in the net I am me. More in touch with my feelings.
But anywho, it’s been a mixed week, this first one in the city and work after the summer. I had extremely hard time concentrating on getting anything done at work. I really got a better hang of writing the replies to the appeals only during Friday evening – when I got home and noticed that the internet doesn’t work. The lesson to be learned from that is that I need to stay home tomorrow and try to get most of the remaining ones done (and that I need to avoid the internet, but let’s ignore that lesson). There are one or two people who may even get an extra point, proving that sometimes complaining actually does pay off. It is important after all – the right to appeal. I am however not at all looking forward to all the work that I still need to get done on that other appeal related issue. The dissy. We had a really good discussion about the dissy with H, but the amount of work required in order to get it to the shape that H, P and L would like to see it in is definitely daunting. Luckily the “definite” deadline is at the end of September. There is only so much one can do in a month or so. I’ll do what I can and have time for, the rest I’m just going to blithely ignore. It’s a survival tactic, which actually works relatively well. I’ve noticed that most of the stuff you ignore eventually just disappears and then you don’t have to deal with it.
So work was mostly crap. It was good to see people again. We have some wonderful people at the university, our lovely little community. Friends. That’s the good thing about work. That and the occasional trips abroad. And the freedom to choose what to do and when to do and where to do – or not do. Which is of course also the great downside. Since pretty much everything else (the actual work) is not fun, that can easily lead to much more not-doing than actual doing. Which also leads to guilt trips and not being able to concentrate on anything else in life either, because one feels that one should actually work. And work of course doesn’t appeal at all, since it’s really quite boring and stressful and just generally blaah.
The Meyers-Briggs personality type also had things to say about careers. According to it “The INFP is a special, sensitive individual who needs a career, which is more than a job. The INFP needs to feel that everything they do in their lives is in accordance with their strongly felt value systems, and is moving them and/or others in a positive, growth-oriented direction. They are driven to do something meaningful and purposeful with their lives. The INFP will be happiest in careers which allow them to live their daily lives in accordance with their values, and which work towards the greater good of humanity.”
That had me nodding too. It also reminded me of something else I had read. About the consequences of working in job, which strongly clashes with one’s values. The results weren’t good. Now law has a potential to be “good”, to be used for the benefit of human beings, but if you want to believe that don’t ever enter the law faculty. In there law becomes nothing but rules and technicalities. It also becomes way too much about money and profit and gain. Not for everyone of course, but still it ain’t pretty. I don’t like to be a lawyer. I don’t feel like a lawyer. I don’t have the identity and more importantly I don’t want to have it.
Do you know what was listed as the first possible career path for the INFP? A writer. Not surprisingly that made me happy. The others were interesting too: counselors, social workers, teachers, professors, psychologists, psychiatrists, musicians, clergy and religious workers. I’ve known for a long long time that law isn’t for me and now the responsibilities are soon over, debts taken care of and I must finally decide for real what to do. I’m going to imagine that I’m twenty again and can start all over. Frigging scary, but better than continuing doing this for the next thirty years.
Otherwise this week had been very “social”. Yesterday I went to M’s wedding. I’ve never been to a wedding of someone other than a relative, so I felt quite honoured to have been invited. The wedding ceremony itself took place in Suomenlinna and the reception was at Katajanokan Kasino. The day was beautiful, sunny and warm. The ceremony was rather modern, the priest playing guitar and all. We were taken by a boat to the Kasino, the sea was gorgeous and I couldn’t help remembering how wonderful the paddling course last year was. I really loved it and still I haven’t gone out one single time after the course. Shame, shame, but it was a short course and I don’t trust myself to be able to handle the sea alone.
The Kasino was a beautiful place. A bit militaristic, but it is an old officers’ kasino. Our group from the university had all been seated in the same table and J as the only man did his duty and asked us to dance. It was a good evening. We continued to Kaarle II and split up there. The others headed upstairs and M and I went to the Suomi-bar to sing and dance. I’m not really that fond of the upstairs, since the music there isn’t as good. One can’t sing like downstairs. There’s something almost therapeutic about it all. I got reminded of Paulo Coelho’s The Witch of Portobello and the best of concerts I’ve been too. At its best that singing and dancing combination makes you lose time. Flow. There were brief moments yesterday, but as a whole I was too conscious of my dress, which didn’t fit to the place. Bad shoes for dancing too.
We were in Kaarle II on Thursday as well. L, R-L and I had some drinks and tapas in BarCelona at first and then met R-L’s boyfriend and some of his friends in Kalle. We downed three bottles of bubbly and talked about this and that, tried dancing in the Suomi-Bar, but they were playing some strange music there and headed upstairs. By that time there were anymore four of us left: R-L. her boyfriend, his friend P and I. P had started flirting with me from pretty much the first second he arrived. He wasn’t really my type, but I guess I did flirt back. Well, I most certainly did, but I’m not quite sure why. Perhaps because I had already had a couple of drinks and I can’t remember when someone has properly flirted with me the last time. Normally I never talk to guys who approach me in a bar, but friends of friends are a different thing. They may be as drunk as the rest, but since they are friends of friends one can assume that they aren’t complete weirdoes.
P asked me out. I was a bit hesitant and didn’t give him a definite answer. He was alright as a person, but there were no vibes and after the thingy with M – and the other M – I’ve disliked letting guys think there’s a chance if it’s fairly likely that there isn’t. We’ll see. Maybe he will be in contact, maybe not. We should see at another party anyway next Friday.
Yawn. It’s only 5.30, but I suddenly got really tired. Hard to keep my eyes open. I’ve slept badly every single night this week. It’s too hot in the apartment even if it hasn’t really been so warm anymore, the construction workers start too early or I stay up too late on the forum, all the parties and drinking more than usually, some stupid dog barking like mad this morning. I keep waking up after 4-5 hours of sleep, heart beating and feeling almost slightly feverish.
That combined with the work stress hasn’t really made this the best of weeks despite the night out and the wedding. Today morning got going really slowly too. Without the net I was forced to come up with something else to do. It was raining so outdoor activities seemed out of order and I didn’t want to just stay home to clean up the house. Eventually I hopped into a car and drove to a lake close by, hoping to find a café where I could sit for a while to read or write. It had just stopped raining so I sat by the water for a moment and tried reading. The wind came in bursts, the pier was damp and I felt too restless, so I didn’t stay long. I walked for a few minutes in the woods nearby, but even that didn’t sufficiently calm me down. I hopped back into the car and drove to the mall. Jumbo. I wanted to break the routines and do the grocery shopping somewhere I normally don’t go to. I think the drive may have done it, speeding, like I always do. There really is something awfully great about driving fast. Perhaps the shopping helped too, although I don’t have any great love for shopping. Nevertheless as I came out of the mall, with the groceries and two new books I was feeling quite alright again. Now I think I will close my eyes for a wee moment.
…the wee moment was nearly thirty minutes. Now it’s past nine, I’ve read almost half of Härkönen’s “Ei kiitos”, which I bought today. It also turns out that the feeling slightly feverish part was not just the result of a mild hangover, but that I am slightly feverish. 37,22. An even better reason to stay home tomorrow to work. Yup, I’m taking Härkönen to bed now.