Thank goodness the internet works. I spent half an hour earlier pushing the try again button and not a beep. For a second there I thought they might disconnect the computers for the weekend and I felt like the drowning man trying to catch at the proverbial straw.
I tried reading some of the books I borrowed yesterday, but they weren't really what I had hoped for. I am starting to think that my discontentment doesn't really have so much to do with the questions or viewpoints, as with research as such. I just don't have what is needed for research. I'm lacking in some sort of necessary critical attitude or an overpowering need for knowledge or a desire to find out deeper meanings and connections. I do like learning new things - if the subject is interesting - but I don't actually feel the need to give my five cents.
Yep, and that is why I am once again wondering what it is that I want to be, when I grow up. I've been thinking about all the meagre jobs that I've had during my life. A month in the hospital when I was fifteen (summer job), which convinced me that I did not want to be a doctor. Few summers delivering newspapers when I was already in the university - that wasn't too bad, but I couldn't wake up at two in the morning every night.The six months in the Ministry of Education as a lawyer, which convinced me that I do not want to be one. All the university stuff, which are out if I don't want to do research. And then the job, that I have enjoyed most. The library. I actually looked forward to those days, when I was on duty.
I didn't really do much, mostly sat behind the counter and loaned out books. The biggest responsiblity was counting the money and either opening or closing the library - depending on whether one was on morning or evening duty. I still liked that responsibility. It's nothing, a child could do it, but if someone wasn't there to do it, then no-one could use the library. It is one of those little things that enable bigger things. The invicible jobs that get taken care of, but only become a nuisance if they don't work for some reason - like the carbage disposal or cleaning.
It was nice, no stress, only six to seven hours per day. You got to meet people and yet there was also lot's of free time when you could read or play pacman or whatever. What I want is something equally stress free. Perhaps something with a more hands on -approach than the library, but still most importantly it has to be stress free.
Well, I am not going to solve that one today, so I'll head to writing some e-mails. M is coming to visit tomorrow and then on Sunday I am going to Copenhagen, so I may disappear again for a few days. I should be back by Wednesday.