Entertainment

I still haven't planned what I am going to say tomorrow during the course. Must stay home for the morning and come up with something, methinks. I have almost finished the infanticide-book though - only thirty pages to go. That's pretty much all I have been doing today: reading the book. And watching a movie. And playing some Knighthood. Me loves the trapper option. Me not loves the people messaging and asking for their people back.

Thanks again for yesterday's party! Was much fun - and the cake was very, very tasty.

I'm going to watch the other movie now.

To be or not to be

This was again one of those days, when I got to thinking that being a researcher on a long-term basis might not be such a bad idea after all. Well, actually I was thinking just the opposite during the very nice lunch I had with M and J. That's one of the things I like about my new quarters in the fifth floor by the by; people go out to lunch together much more often than in the third floor. Anyhow, I realised that I don't read enough. And unfortunately there is absolutely no way on Earth I am going to switch fiction and crocheting, TV, internet and whatnot for reading boring workbooks during evenings or weekends. Therefore, my chances of becoming a researcher are not very promising.

However, two things happened today. First I went to listen to a really inspiring seminar presentation. The same multidisciplinary thingy I went to yesterday. Then it was something akin to an anthropological approach, today psychoanalysis and psychiatry had their turn. The first speaker was a touch hopeless, but the second one was really good. Really, really good. Interesting topic, a gifted speaker. There are not many people who manage to keep my attention fully in the subject matter and eager for more. Usually I always start scribbling and wondering why the heck I am sitting behind closed doors anyway.

Yep, but that inspirational performance was point number one. Point number two was my little trip to Topelia, the library of humanities. It's a very lovely place and every time I visit I always marvel at the beautiful books they have there. This time I found one for the course next week. I was starting to get worried about finding something about infanticide, since all the books seemed to be out on loan. But, in Topelia there was one and it was precisely what I was looking for. It is also - and this is of course relevant for the "research might be interesting after all" theme - a fascinating book and one I don't mind at all reading during the evening hours. Something to think about.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Today I have

1) celebrated Valentine's Day (or Friend's Day as it is known here) properly for the first time and received cards and presents;

2) been delighted by number 1;

3) enjoyed the sunshine;

4) eaten too much candy, since I happened to be outside when the seniors drove by. Yay for penkkarit. (Got more candy by the way than ever before in all the previous years together. I decided to join in the merrymaking this time, since it is after all the whole point.);

5) seen the president, who was walking down the street with a small entourage just a minute before the seniors drove by;

6) been to a seminar where the Spanish keynote speaker almost managed to murder the English language;

7) decided that I need to transcribe the remaining pictures after all, even if there are 3000 of them:

8) signed a statement and gotten a book;

9) considered the city vs. country -dilemma again (wasn't I doing this already five years ago? Or longer?); and

10) seen a teenaged girl who looked precisely as she has escaped from the 80's.

Windy outside

The hours go by so fast - incredible that it is already nine. I stayed home to work today. Needed to read some books for the course that will start next week. It may be easy to come up with a case, but try coming up with books that the students could read... There are a million books of the 17th century, but finding books of the 18th is a real quest. Not always a successful one for that.

I was also planning to go to swim. I did that the last time I had a workday at home a few weeks ago, but I didn't manage this time. Too much to do. Plus I fell asleep twice. Had nice long naps, even though I got up an hour late. Winter - I suppose it is hibernation time.

Sleeping - in fact - sounds like a great idea.

Life

- a clean kitchen is a nifty thing to have
- washing dishes everyday is so adult
- making charts is fun
- does the previous mean that quantitative beats qualitative?
- it shouldn't but sometimes shouldn't refuses to be nothing but is
- but not always
- writing is a billion times easier than speaking
- why is that
- does that mean dimensions are separate even if they overlap
- so what is real?

Another weekend over

I've been reading Orhan Pamuk today. I finished "Snow" a couple of weeks ago and RL gave me "My Name is Red" for my name day on Friday. Both very good books, very different, except perhaps when it comes to the characters. There's a certain similarity to all the main characters, in both books, which may be intentional - or then again not. "My name is Red" reminds me of a book about Taj Mahal I read a long time ago. Snow - if I hadn't read Snow all these news about Turkey lifting the scarf ban would have meant something totally different to me. I would have judged them differently. That's one great thing about books - they give relevance to issues, make them interesting, enlighten you in ways that news and facts cannot.

I think I will try to get a couple more chapters read now.

Saturday evening

I love the smell of baking. I decided to start with the healthy life again and the fridge is now full of food. It would be unwise to start too radically, naturally, so I did also bake some lovely smelling butter buns. Gives one such a nice house-wifey feeling. What more could a Saturday evening require - something good to eat, the cat purring next to me and nice shows in the TV. Well, sauna, of course, but one can't have everything. At least at the moment.

Now I am going to watch Monk - and crochet.

Dreams

I did it. I hope this won't jinx it - knock, knock and a double knock - but I still got to tell. I did it; I made the call and booked myself an appointment. "Operation Baby" is underway.

In case you think I'm being impulsive and did it because of yesterday, think again. I decided already nearly two years ago that after the German Experience it would be time. I've considered and re-considered and now the first step has been taken. The first step out of many. The woman in the phone said that I'm not the only one wanting to have a baby and I should prepare to wait a year before the treatments can even begin. But we will see - the appointment is in a month's time and then I will know more.

But it is still so exciting. I would so love to be pregnant. It will probably hurt though; I had a pap test taken a couple of years ago as I turned thirty and it hurt like hell. Literally as if someone was tearing you apart from the inside out. Today that is an experience I can use someday for literary purposes, but then I was ready to swear I would never do it again - no matter whether I would die of cervical cancer the very next day. And I have a fairly high pain pressure point. I've never minded dentists for example; I've had a dozen teeth drilled and I'm still fairly fond of dentists.

But no pain, no gain. A few years ago I had lost all hope of ever having a child, but then my sister asked if I was planning to ever have one. Suddenly it became a possibility and hope was there again. With the help of kind doctors of course, since me and men is a very long story - or a short one. Well, non-existent in fact. Men have never really been interested in me and I in turn have high demands and major issues with trust. Luckily for me the legislation didn't get botched up and my stinginess means that the bank account is generous when there is real need. And so, Operation Baby is underway. Fingers crossed.

Children

I went to see S and her baby. What can I say, I want one of those. I always did. In my longest lasting fantasy - starting around 87 or so and the basis of my oldest stories - I was a mother of six by this day and a grandmother to be in less than three months.

Yep, at the age of thirteen I thought my mother was old to wed at 21 and ancient to have her first child at 26. I was going to do both at a much younger age. Now I am 33 and my old fantasy me managed to become a grandmother before I ever had a child.

Yep yep, of course my old fantasy me eventually ended up having at least 74 children - since she became immortal and all - so it's not like she is a very realistic role model. But I suppose the point is that no matter what adventures those people had, the most important thing about the stories was always having a big family. Children after children. That's why my stories never became very interesting. No drama. A dozen children and an even larger amount of grandchildren and harmonious family life. A fantasy, but not stuff of stories, since they lacked conflict.

But children there always was. And I want one of those. No pain, no gain.

Rambling for the sake of rambling

I bought such good Rooibos tea from Germany and I think I am down to almost last bag. I am going to miss it. Yep, yep. I don't really have anything to write today - as is probably painfully obvious to see. Yep, yep. I haven't even read the paper yet. Or done much of anything. I did go to the movies - saw Die Fälscher. Reminded me of the book I read last summer about the women's choir at Auschwitz. They were both good, but neither one of them had that feeling of inhumanity that Primo Levi's "If this is a man" has. That is definitely one of the most impressive books I have ever read.

Yep, yep, now I will crochet some and finish watching the Simpsons. Maybe I'll even have time to finish the paper.

Drowsy

I just finished the morning's paper and I can't shake the feeling of how fast everything changes. The world of the children growing up today, here in Helsinki, is so different from my childhood in the seventies and eighties. Perhaps it also has to do with the location. Perhaps the country towns are still more like what I was used to. After all I did believe - already as a teenager - that Helsinki was one scary place to grow up and I really don't think I was alone in that notion. "One can go to Helsinki to study or to work, but no sane person would ever think of raising children there."

It is speeding up - the world. What it will be like in another thirty years is hard to imagine. The future rushes towards us and plows under the past. One can only hope that it will be merciful to those recalcitrants of us who do not want to bow down to its demands.

Yawn. It's only eight o'clock and I have trouble keeping my eyes open. The last time I stayed up to watch a movie and had to do with a little less sleep, I fell asleep on the couch at around eight the next evening and happily slumbered for ten hours. Of course my attempt at a nice salad dinner with some french bread and a glass of wine and a touch of ice cream to top it off is presumably not making me any more alert.

Murder in the forest

This morning the snow was there. More snow than ever before this winter. It actually looked quite beautiful: that rosy hue to the cloudy morning sky that cities sometimes have, trees covered with a layer of snow and a lonely little bird singing plaintively in the branches. Not bad at all.

Today was quite a good day. I had a nice lunch with M and some others and we decided to go and play some squash later this week. I rather enjoy that game. I went through the complaints of the year 1800 to see what kind of references to law they had there and then - during the afternoon hours - I wrote the case for the drama course we will be teaching in a few weeks time.

That was surprisingly much fun. I wasn't sure what the case was going to be, but in the end I had three people on the bench of the accused. The year is 1750 and a maid is accused of killing her newborn. Her name is Susanna and I think she is only fifteen years old. Her friend Helena probably confessed the whole story, because she could not bear the guilt anymore. She helped, you see. In covering up the pregnancy, in the delivery and then she hid the corpse of the baby, which she said Susanna had killed. But she could not take it and spilled the whole grisly tale.

But she is the only one ridden with guilt. Susanna claims that the baby was stillborn. She only hid the pregnancy, because she was afraid, ashamed, and she never saw the baby after it was born. Helena told her it was dead and took it away. She is innocent, completely innocent of everything but fear and thoughtlessness.

And then there is the third culprit. Their master, the farmer Matti with a poor suffering wife somewhere. The girls claim that he is the father of the child, that he knew. Helena even swears that he tried to convince them both; that it would be best if the child would end up dead after it was born. Matti - of course - denies everything. Absolutely everything, even if he has been convicted of adultery before and is something of a known womaniser.

I am not sure which one of the stories is true. Well, in my mind Matti is lying, at least about his fatherhood, even though the students are of course free to choose otherwise. And I do think Susanna killed the child, but I am not sure whether she is a victim or a villain. A slightly hapless young girl, who perhaps got abused and does not really know what she is doing. Or a conniving, ambitious woman, who is trying to push the blame of her crime on the shoulders of her trusting friend.

None of that is important for the case, but, well, it could be turned into a story. Quite a number of those real cases that I have could be turned into stories, too. That's one of the best things I am going to get out of this dissy-project. Potential plot lines. Yummy.

Is is February already?

Must - start - writing - again. Really, really have to.

I haven't written anything in weeks. Apart from work stuff that is, a naturellement, but not a word here and not a word of fiction. It always feels as if there is no time, but of course time is just a matter of organisation. Must - start - blogging - again. Blogging is a way of reflecting life and remembering the past and it is important to do both.

So, what has been going on? What will I remember of the January of this current year of 2008? Other than that Knighthood is one addictive game...

Well, the winter promises to be even shorter than last year. There's hardly any snow and not a single really cold day so far. Makes me hope for an early spring. I follow with pleasure as the paper informs me every morning that the day is again a few minutes longer. I wait for the days when it is possible to get out of the city again and do sensible things. Sensible things to do in the city are so limited: writing, reading, cooking and crocheting are pretty much it.

Work progresses. I have decided to go the easy way and just get out of the cases what I can. It is after all only one book and one day of defending it and afterwards I never have to think about either one of them again. In fact if I wish I will always be able to take one copy of the finished book and burn it page by page in a fire - or bury it in the garden. Hmm, I think I might actually like that. A rite of passage of sorts.

Yup, now I will make some soup with my new blender and then I will finally write again.

It's so quiet here

Dum, dum-da, dum; dum, dum, daa... What should I write about today? I've had a very nice day, but I haven't actually done anything all that specific. I'm just so generally enjoying myself. Enjoying people. There are some very nice people around here in this faculty, I can tell you. For instance coffee breaks can be a fun thing.

I've been trying to boycott television and internet. Did I write about that already? Well, I have been watching Simpsons, since one needs some entertainment, but otherwise no telly. I've been going to bed after nine like little children, so there has hardly been any chance for it either. This is also a fact that has led me to notice that all the good shows and movies start very late. I've never paid attention to that before, since I watched them anyway, but now I have become old and want my eight hours of sleep.

I've also noticed that the days are very short. Even though I get up at six, I am never home before 5.30. Go to get some groceries and it takes an hour more. Something to eat, reading the paper for which you had no time in the morning, perhaps doing the dishes... There isn't that much time left after all of that. Boycotting the television - except for the Simpsons - and the internet makes it feel longer though. I've had time to read and write and even make attempts at meditation. Makes the week feel longer in a good way.

Jep. Yawn. I'll go home now.

Why is it so late already?

The colour of the city snow is grey;
I wonder if it thinks
that it is more sophisticated
than its untouched country cousin.

Nightly activities

The cat and I are still on much better terms, but I am starting to remember the downsides of having a feline in the household. One of them being the nature of cats as creatures of the night. Except apparently they are not - at least dear Wikipedia claims that they are instead "crepuscular"; meaning that they are primarily active during the twilight.

I would not call four a.m. twilight during this time of the year, but that is approximately when the cat likes to be on the move. She eats, she plays, she pays a visit to the litterbox when I would prefer to sleep. The problem being that she hardly ever manages to do any of these activities without waking me up.

Usually I fall back asleep soon enough, but all this waking up still disrupts sleep and assumably makes it much less inefficient. The only benefit of waking up so abruptly is that I can actually remember some of my dreams.

Weird stuff.

Snow, snow, snow

This coupling of research and the assistant business is working real well so far. Doing practical things keeps one content and feeling useful. It is important to do things that also benefit someone other than myself and doing research obviously doesn’t. The assistant business on the other hand does. I have made three students a bit more content already today and that is a day well spent. Two of them actually sounded very pleased.

My new plan of writing three pages per day is also going quite well. It’s my new schedule: three pages per day, sixty pages per month and therefore 300 pages by the end of May. I can reuse all the pages that I already have, if I want – as long as I have a finished manuscript ready in five months. So far so good; I’ve been writing today about poor blind Anna Margaretha and her greedy uncles. Mwahwahwa. I like my new approach. The methodology book one of the Norwegians sent me is also proving quite useful. It is full of grammatical errors, which bug me – I’m discovering a happy little editor in myself – but the content is quite promising.

Yep, yep. Now I need to go and do some shopping again.

questions, questions

I am faced with a moral dilemma. One of my neighbours is using an unprotected wlan and therefore I could use their internet connection. The question is, should I? Could I? On a more permanent basis that is, since I am obviously using it now. Just to post this though, since I did use Word to write it.

It is not illegal. If they wanted to protect their connection, they could. Easily. Either they just haven’t bothered or they have left it unprotected on purpose.

It is not illegal to use someone else’s connection, but is it immoral? The speed of the connection has so far been either poor or extremely poor, so it probably wouldn’t slow down the owner’s connection that much. Which, of course, is the most important criterion of an action being moral or immoral – does it harm another person?

It would harm the companies offering the net connections, since one of them would lose nearly 300 euros per year. But the aim of the companies is commercial, to make money, not to help people in any way. Not aiding them in making a profit doesn’t feel too immoral.

The problem, I suppose, is the fact of someone – in this case me – getting something for free when others are paying. At least that bugs me slightly with people who don’t pay for public transport or for watching television. Not in a moral sense as such, but in the “why do I have to pay, when they don’t” sort of whine – especially as we who do pay, have to pay more because of the people who don’t. That argument probably doesn’t apply to this situation, since there’s no public service involved, but big commercial businesses instead.

Is that then why I do pay for transportation or television? The involvement of a public service? Nope. I pay for the peace of mind, since it seems preferable to worrying about someone catching and “fining” me. That is why the non-payers don’t bother me that much. They – theoretically at least – do have to worry about getting caught. And they know that their non-paying means that others pay for them. That potential worry and shame seems like a fair exchange for the money they save.

Does that mean that I have to pay with worry and shame too, if I wish to take advantage of this opportunity? And is it a shame, which would be worth 300 euros to avoid?

A moral dilemma.

Alles Gute zum...

I am having one of those days again. You know, when the thought suddenly strikes that something clever ought to be written instead of "I went to the store and bought a hat and three new shirts". Shopping is not a subject that inspires all that cunning contemplation.

Although, I did start to wonder yesterday whether I would be more inclined towards shopping if I had more money. Is my aversion to shopping partly a "defense" mechanism? Since I don't have enough money to buy whatever I want - and still have enough for the rainy day - have I convinced myself that shopping is unnecessary? That new clothes and spending money is something akin to superficiality and extravagance?

The question of course is - or one of them anyway - that if I have so convinced myself, can I unconvince myself? Should I? Does this have anything to do with the fact that I saw a preliminary assessment of my new paycheck? Which, if the amount promised is true, has made me a happy supporter of UPJ (uusi palkkajärjestelmä). If the amount promised is true, my new salary will almost reach the average Finnish wage. Which is actually kind of sad. I am apparently going to get a 40 percent raise and I still won't make the average salary. I would bitch, but I am still looking too much forward to the monthly couple of hundred extra euros on my account.

Now I will go home and continue that quite interesting book on methodology in the train; get ready for M's gig tonight and come back to grading papers next week.

Currently listening to: the voices of children in the hallway

Let's see if I can keep the blog alive

I am home again after the holidays. Have been for two days now. Or actually, in fact, right now I am still at work, since I have no internet connection at home. Cursing at this crappy computer, which gives the university a bad name.

I am also wondering whether I would be able to survive without an internet at home. It is such a time thief, bloody thing. On the other hand it is perhaps my most important method of communication and do I want to hang around at work blogging on evenings? No, I do not. On the other hand I don't necessarily have to, if I do what I did today. I was at work already at bloody 7.30 and spent even the bloody train trip reading on past legal texts. It's only 2.30 and I have already worked for seven and a half hours. And bloody productively too.

Yesterday morning did not look too good workwise. I trudged to the university through hail and wondered again at how ugly Helsinki is. I spent probably couple of hours staring at my papers until J turned up. She gave me some lists and files and updated me on all the assistant stuff - after which I had to start immediately preparing an examination, which will take place tomorrow. And that, I tell you, was a very good thing. I've always rather liked preparing exams, making questions, usually I even enjoy grading the papers. It feels useful and one can immediately see the results of one's labours.

Somehow because of that I started to look at research more optimistically too. I didn't feel like writing at all yesterday, but I decided to read one of those articles I scanned in Frankfurt. A little thing by Regina Ogorek, which was wonderful. She finally explained what applying natural law can mean in practice. I had been wondering about that now absolutely for ages, but had remained as ignorant as a duck in a shoe shop.

And today, today I have written. I have managed nearly four pages and I think that this approach may even work. And I've done all sorts of assistenty thingies and been to the library and to lunch and chatted with people. I have - in fact - rather been enjoying work for the past two days. Now we just have to see how long I can keep this positive attitude going on this time. In the past my after-holiday work euphoria has never lasted more than two months at the very most, but we'll see.

Now, methinks, I will soon head out to do some shopping. I definitely need a hat of some sort. It was only -3 degrees today, but counting in the wind it was still positively freezing. Yesterday I didn't have time for anything other than grocery shopping. My fridge was totally empty after the German Experience, so I went and spent some dineros on food. Things I learned in Germany. "It is nice to eat well". Very, very cheap, but well. Or not necessarily even well, but more like...regularly. Something other than sandwiches and chocolate every day.

After that I went to pick up my cat. Living with people who aren't gone from the house all the time seems to have been rather good for her. She is much more trusting of people now and I think we are going to get along a little better. I was starting to get a little tired of her, since she did nothing but hide and run away. I haven't had the time and opportunity to concentrate on writing lately, but one day she will become a character in a story. Someone with a tragic childhood. Yep, yep.

Big thanks to all the people who looked after the kitty while I was gone!